I’ve got a non-physical wall around me.  It’s called the curse because also invisible is any memory or logistics that could explain how this wall was erected.  What’s important is what this wall does. It holds my voice in silence.  What I say seems to stay on the inside.  I literally feel the field of silence.  It’s really weird to know I’m being held in a buffer zone. It’s like I don’t transmit or create a net positive effect outside my own sphere of self.  How discouraging, sad, upsetting, and well, imagine being in my shoes…. %!!*&^* fuck!

I’ve taught myself to think a little… to at least have the composure to figure out a question to ask, to get an answer that works. So with the curse, I began with my usual let’s get something happening here question, and asked, what do I want to do about this, which evolved into, how do I get beyond (make it to the other side of) this zone of silence?

Answer: What I have to do is all about giving.  Long story short, it’s time. Time to stop putting myself only into positions in which I receive.  For example, I love learning so I will no longer be a student who isn’t seen and respected for what I have to offer. (One super big reason I love Magellan Courses!!)

Idea for making the answer more: LISTENING IS GIVING. When I don’t listen with full capacity, with open ears and a mind between them not making up stories about what I hear, the person who is hoping I am listening to them, is let down. When I don’t listen, how can I really help? Listening is giving because it responds to a need by another (person, being, place, or thing) to be listened to.  Giving is what listening is always asking of me to do.

I had the following conversation with my self while journal writing on the subject of giving. I was asking my self what I can give. (Me = me. Self = my reply to me.)

Me:   I’m here to give what life has provided me to give, and is asking for it now!

Self:  Love. My work is Love.

Me:   Umm… That translates to? Give me something to work with here please.

Self:   Don’t let it go to waste.

Me:    (offering God) I give you everything. What do you need me to do?

Self:

Me:    Oh. Shoot. You’ve got everything. I don’t mean you need anything. (Dramatically on one knee, looking upwards.) But if you do, need anything, please, let me know. Ask of me, so I can give you what you need.

Self:   I need you to be happy.

Me:    (immediately emotional) You keep giving me such easy things. First, to be my self. And now, to be happy. (as my mind goes to thinking about all the really important things in the world that need to be taken care of)

Self:   Be happy. Really. Do I need to repeat my self?

Me:    Oh. Right. (thinking.. being happy usually getting something, or receiving something that then leads into being happy about.) OK. I got it. Being happy is about giving. (remembering how people always say to me they want me to smile; they want to see me be happy.)

Self:

Me:    I’m working on it. Happy. Giving. What I can do that I’m happy about.

Self:   (Listening)